NBB: The Demons Within
by hangman005
Summary: After all Alex has been through in his short live, the biggest demons he must face, come from within.
1. Not As It Seemed

"Alex, wake up," Alex heard, it sounded like his mom's voice.

"Alex!?" He recognized Juanita's voice.

Alex was confused, and he slowly managed to pry his eyes open. He was baffled to see he was in the car..

"Alex are you ok?" Juanita asked seeing Alex's eyes open.

Alex looked at Juanita, he was completely unable to process the fact she was upside down.

"Alex, talk to me honey," Abigail called out softly.

Alex pulled his hands up to his head, which was hurting, there was too much to process and none of it made sense.

"Alex!?" Abigail asked concerned.

"Stop it!" Alex shouted he felt like he was going crazy.

Alex looked over at Juanita who had turned into a fireman.

"Where's Nat!" Alex screamed, afraid and confused.

"Calm down Alex," Abigail said trying to calm him down.

"Stop It!" Alex screamed again.

Alex then felt himself gently falling up, it was too much and Alex passed out.

When Alex came too he was on his back. He tried to sit up but was unable to move.

John's face came into focus as he moved a bit closer to Alex.

"Alex?" John asked softly.

"Where's Nat?" Alex mumbled weakly.

"He's with your dad..." John began.

"NO HE'S NOT" Alex screamed and began fighting and trying to move.

"Alex, he's with you dad at the airport, you were going to pick them up." John said softly.

"DAD'S DEAD!" Alex screamed louder, and tried to fight harder.

"Your dad's not dead." John said softly as he vainly tried to calm Alex down.

"PROVE IT! I WANT TO SEE DAD," Alex screamed.

"Ok Alex," John said wearily, he didn't think Alex was even aware he was in the back of an ambulance, or he was just in a car accident. He was uncooperative and resistant the whole time.

Mr Wolff and Nat arrived at the hospital an hour and a half after Alex. John was talking with Juanita, who had bandages over a couple of cuts and scraps.

"Sonny," John said urgently, as he spotted the two of them.

"How are they?" Mr Wolff said concerned, John couldn't provide much details over the phone.

"Abigail, ok. Broken Arm, the doctors are plastering it up as we speak," John said softly. "The doctors have been trying to run some tests on Alex..."

"Trying?" Sonny questioned.

"Alex isn't cooperating, he wants to see you. He thinks your dead." John said gently.

Mr Wolff didn't really need to hear anything more. He knew what Alex was like.

"Juanita, take Nat, to where they have Abigail, and keep trying to call your mother, she'll be worried sick." John said softly. "Sonny come with me."

"Alex, calm down we need to run these tests," One of the doctors said wearily. They had restrained Alex to stop him lashing out at the doctors and nurses, and to try keep him immobile, until they could see if there was any damage to his back or his head.

"Alex, buddy. Calm down." Mr Wolff said walking in. He could see Alex restrained on the gurney. He looked extremely agitated and uncomfortable with the brace on his neck.

Alex glared at him for a moment that seemed to last for ever.

"Dad?"

"Yeah Alex it's me." Mr Wolff said walking to be by Alex's side. "Calm down so the doctors can run the tests,"

Alex glared at his dad more, before the tears welled up in his eyes.

"I don't want them to," Alex cried softly, all the hurt, frustration and confusion of the last couple of hours took it's toll.

"I know Alex, but they need to," Mr Wolff said tightly grabbing one of Alex's hands,

"Can they at least take this stupid thing off?" Alex cried , pulling his other hand up trying to reach his neck brace.

"After they do the tests, if everything's ok I'll make them take it off ok?" Mr Wolff said tenderly stroking Alex's hair.

"I thought you died," Alex sobbed. "Is... is... is... mom?"

"She's not dead either," Mr Wolff said softly. "Once you're all checked out you can see her ok?"

"Ok daddy," Alex sobbed, but calming down to allow his dad to comfort him.


	2. Confused Memories

Alex was wheeled into a ward where Abigail was waiting with Nat, Juanita and Laura. He still had the neck brace on and the restraints while the doctors waited for the test results to come in.

"MOM!" Alex yelled desperately upon seeing her, and fought the restraints trying to get to her.

"Alex, calm down," Mr Wolff said softly squeezing Alex's hand tight.

"MOM! I thought you died!" Alex screamed before crying. Still trying to get to his mom.

Abigail quickly walked over, she grabbed his hand tightly before bending down and hugging him. She could feel him shake as he cried.

"It's ok Alex, I just broke my arm," She said tenderly.

"You were dead... and dad was dead and me and Nat were all alone," Alex cried, still upset and confused. It was difficult because no one could see what was going on in Alex's head, and no one could see what he remembered.

"We weren't dead buddy," Mr Wolff said softly.

"I saw your graves!" Alex shouted.

"Alex," Nat said softly.

"And you, I told you it was just a stupid joke," Alex yelled at Nat.

Nat just looked at Alex concerned, he didn't know what Alex was yelling about, and truth be told this wasn't the homecoming he had imagined. First off he had pictured it at the airport and secondly it involved Alex hugging Nat so tightly that he was worried that he wouldn't ever let go.

"I missed you Alex," Nat said softly walking closer and giving him a kiss on the forehead.

"Why did you miss me?" Alex asked becoming strangely calm.

"Because me and dad were in the UK for two weeks, remember?" Nat said softly.

"No?" Alex said confused.

"Well what do you think happened?" Nat asked.

"Mom and Dad were going to the airport, and they got in a crash and they... they... they died," Alex stammered getting upset again. "And you were all sad, and I said it was just a dumb joke and then you all convinced me they were... dead."

"Alex honey, Me you and Juanita were going to the airport to pick up your dad and Nat, and we got in a crash. I was worried that you were dead, because you didn't move or make a noise for a long time.

"Prove it," Alex demanded, he felt completely confused, he didn't know what was happening.

Nat grabbed a bag and pulled a big tall furry hat out of his bag a showed it to Alex.

"I stole this off the head of one of the Buckingham Palace guards for you. Then I got arrested until the Queen said I could keep it." Nat said softly, though keeping secret from Alex another thing the Queen said.

Alex was confused and scared that he was losing his mind again. But he could see the truth in Nat's eyes.

"Did dad tell you off?" Alex asked.

"Worse, he tried to pretend he didn't know me," Nat laughed, sensing an opening to try distract his brother to keep him calm.

"Did it work?" Alex asked softly.

"Well it's like when I used to pretend not to know you, when you were doing wild and crazy things," Nat said softly, but almost wished he hadn't, he could see the blank look on Alex face and could tell he didn't remember it. "Dad found it very hard, when I started singing that he was my dad,"

"Am I ever going to remember?" Alex asked sadly. Alex never talked to the extent of his memory loss, despite how much it bothered him. Though he often felt isolated in conversations when people talked about the good times.

"I hope so. I can give you a blow by blow encounter of your life if you'd like," Nat said softly, but with a small smile.

"Thanks Nat," Alex said softly, before yawning,

"Alex try and rest. I think the doctors will keep you overnight regardless, and if everything is ok when the Doctors come back, I'll make sure they take off the neck brace and restraints." Mr Wolff said softly.

"Sorry for yelling at everyone," Alex said softly.

"It's ok Alex, we aren't mad. We will talk to Simon and the Doctor and maybe they can give us an idea of what happened." Mr Wolff said softly.

Alex lay there slowly falling asleep.

"Can I go to school tomorrow?" Alex asked softly.

"Alex, I don't think that's a good idea." Abigail said softly,

"Why?" Alex asked softly.

"Your still pretty confused about what's happened, I think it would be a good idea to give you a bit of time to better understand it." Abigail said softly.

"And I thought you'd like to spend some time with me?" Nat said softly.

"I should miss you more than I am huh?" Alex asked.

"Yeah," Nat said and coming closer gave Alex a hug.

"I'm sorry," Alex mumbled.

"I know, it's not your fault. But I still love you," Nat said softly.

"Love you too Nat,"

"Now try get some sleep, hopefully you'll feel better in morning.


	3. Slim

Alex was woken up early the next morning by Juanita, he could see his mom asleep in the chair beside him. Neither Nat or his dad was around.

"Juanita?" Alex mumbled.

"I'm here to bust you out," Juanita whispered with a smile. "The doctors didn't find anything wrong with you."

"Where is Nat and Dad?" Alex whispered.

"Your mom sent them home to sleep, they are jetlagged from the plane." Juanita said quietly.

"They really did go to the UK huh?" Alex asked softly.

"Yeah," Juanita said softly.

"So did you want to go to school today?" Juanita whispered.

"I don't know," Alex mumbled.

"Come on, we can get your mind off things," Juanita said softly.

Alex stretched a little bit and for the first time realized the restraints were gone and that he had his usual morphine drip.

"You gotta get me in my wheelchair. And can you get this out," Alex asked softly.

Juanita quietly lifted Alex up and lowered him into a waiting wheelchair, she then unhooked the IV bag from the hook before dumping it in Alex's lap. She then pulled a blanket of the bed and wrapped Alex in it and quietly wheeled him out of the hospital.

"We're gonna get in trouble aren't we?" Alex asked as they approached the school.

"Probably, but since when has that stopped us," Juanita said and she was pretty sure she saw Alex give a little smile.

Alex's specialist arrived to work that morning, upon his desk sat the results from Alex's scans. He quietly sat down to look at it, and it was only by accident he found it. He rushed down to the ward to find Alex wasn't there.

"Alex, you need to carry the one," His tutor said softly.

"This is too hard," Alex said throwing his book on the floor and laying his head down on the desk,

Alex didn't look up as someone knocked on the door. Mr Johnston went and opened the door and had a quiet quick word.

Alex finally looked up when he heard his dad.

"Alex?"

He saw his dad looking pretty worried, John and his partner waiting in the corridor.

"We need to get you back to hospital," His dad said softly.

"No you don't." Alex said defiantly.

"Alex you need surgery." Mr Wolff said softly

"No I don't," Alex said gruffly.

"Alex, you're specialist said if you don't have it, you'll die." Mr Wolff said softly, trying not to cry himself, they had been told the chances of Alex surviving were remote.

"DON'T LIE!" Alex shouted at him, and was immediately wrapped in a hug by his dad.

"I'm not lying," His dad softly.

"Yes you are!" Alex shouted before crying.

"I know you're scared, I'm scared too. But you need this surgery," His dad said quietly, holding him tightly. After 5 minutes he gently coaxed Alex to his feet out into the hallway and onto the stretcher.

Juanita quietly followed, and climbed in the back of the ambulance.

"Am I going to die?" Alex sobbed.

John looked at him sadly. "Alex, without the surgery you won't last the day, with it the doctors think you only have a 10% chance at survival,"

"I don't wanna die, your not going to let me die, right dad?" Alex cried desperately reaching for his dads hand.

Mr Wolff wiped a tear from his eye, he could see that this was the one time Alex wanted him to lie.

"Of course I won't buddy," Mr Wolff said softly kissing Alex on the forehead.

Alex and his dad just held each others hands tightly until they were forced to let go, as Alex was rushed in for surgery.

John lead Juanita and Mr Wolff up to to room they were in last night. Nat was tightly hugging his mom.

Mr Wolff and Juanita sat beside them, and hugged as well. No matter how often they went through this sort of thing, it never got easier.

Laura turned up an hour and a half later with a bunch of flowers.

"I got these to replace the ones that Alex ate," Laura said trying to lighten the mood,

"Ate?" Nat asked confused.

"Lets just say Alex missed you a ton. To try and take his mind of things he tried to eat a bunch of your mom's flowers." Laura said softly.

"At least when he threw them up it sort of smelt flowery," Juanita said with a weak smile.

"Nat, that brother of yours can do some very strange things." Abigail said softly.

"He's dad's son," Nat said giving his dad a weak smile.

They chuckled for a few minutes. Before Nat spoke again.

"He's gonna pull through isn't he." Nat said on the verge of tears.

"I hope so, I think Alex has a better shot than anyone. We all know how stubborn he is." Mr Wolff said softly.

"I hate arguing with Alex, you just sort of give up in the end," Juanita said softly.

"I hope he can put that stubbornness to good use here." Nat said and hugged his dad tightly.


	4. Post Op

Alex's specialist entered the room at about 2:45. The pall in the room was immense. They all seemed to gently turn to face him as he approached.

"Alex's sex change was a success," He said softly.

"Sex change?" Nat said taken aback.

"Sorry, Alex made me promise to say that if things went well." His specialist said.

"He's ok?" Abigail asked.

"We won't know for sure until he wakes, once they are finished with him in post op we're moving him to ICU, you can wait for him there if you'd like." His specialist said softly.

They followed the specialist up, and it was a few minutes after Alex was wheeled still under anesthetic. A bandage wrapped tightly around his head. Once the nurses were finished Nat immediately went and grabbed his brothers hand.

It was another half an hour before Alex slowly started to come to.

"Hey buddy," His dad said softly, as he noticed Alex slowly opening his eyes.

"Hey," Alex slurred lethargically.

"Hey Alex," His specialist said softly, and walked closer to him. "I just want to do a couple of quick tests to see if things are all right."

"Hmmmmmm," Alex mumbled too lethargic to say anything.

"You'll feel pretty out of it for a while, we're keeping you heavily sedated..." His specialist began.

"What... they... do...?" Alex managed to ask.

"You had a clot in your brain and it was causing your brain to swell up, which is what has been causing you to have the blackouts I hear you have been having. We had to remove a piece of your skull to relieve the pressure, and we're running blood thinners to remove the clot. In a couple a day two, we'll reattach the skull. But it's for the best you rest a lot." His specialist said, "And as funny as it sounds, if you weren't in the car accident last night, you would have died before we realized what happened."

"Thanks... Crashing... Mom," Alex mumbled exhausted.

"I didn't do it on purpose, but I'm glad it happened too," Abigail said squeezing his hand.

"Anyway, You seem to know where you are and who's around you which is great, can you follow my finger?" His specialist said softly dragging his finger in all directions in front of Alex's eyes. Alex managed to do it struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Good, good. One more test and you can rest," His specialist said gently. "Grab both my hands,"

Nat gave Alex a little smile as he let Alex's hand go, but Alex grabbed it straight back.

"Ok then, grab my hand with your free one, then I want you to squeeze them both as hard as you can." Alex's specialist said giving both Nat and Alex a smile.

His specialist felt Alex squeeze his hand, and he could see Alex squeezing Nat's hand.

"That's good Alex. Now relax and enjoy your brothers company," His specialist said, he saw Nat squeeze Alex's hand, and was pretty sure Alex gave him a feeble attempt at a smile.

His specialist retreated and Juanita quickly went in and commandeered Alex's other hand.

"Glad you're ok, Alex," Juanita said softly.

"So he's going to be fine?" Mr Wolff asked softly.

"I'll feel a lot more comfortable once we reattach that piece of his skull, but I think he's in the clear. He'll be in and out for the a few days."

"How long will he be in hospital, I know how much he hates hospitals." Abigail said softly.

"Two, maybe three weeks. The pressure in his brain may take longer to subside than usual, or god forbid not at all causing us to operate on him again." His specialist said softly. "Once we reattach the skull maybe a week and a half. Of course he'll need to come in again to have the plates reattaching the skull pieces removed."

Mr Wolff looked sadly over at Alex,

"He's been through so much... Then again, I guess a lot of people in this hospital have," Mr Wolff said shedding a tear but trying to disguise it.

"You can't compare what Alex is going through to what others have gone through." Alex's specialist said. "Alex has it bad, both physically and mentally. He need's to you to be there and care for him and I know you know this."

"Yeah I know, I feel sorry for him, and feel bad for those who go through as much or more than he has." Mr Wolff said softly.

"We all feel sorry for Alex, and we feel sorry for you Abigail and Nat too. You guys never asked for any of this, but you have to live with it." Alex's specialist said softly.

Abigail looked over Alex watching him gently fall to sleep.

"Those boys really haven't had any fun in a long time." Abigail said softly. She knew it wasn't all fun and games before Vancouver, but there was at least some enjoyment in their lives.

"Alex has got great friends, great parents and a great brother. I know you guys will do everything you can to help Alex get through this and I know you guys try to make things fun." Alex specialist said.

"Would eating my flowers because he missed Nat count as fun?" Abigail asked.

Mr Wolff just smiled.

"Probably not so much fun... as Alex,"

"Anyway, I'll check back in a couple of hours, to see if everything is ok. Unless you have any questions?" Alex specialist asked softly.

"No we're good." Abigail said softly.

"Have you guys eaten at all?" He suddenly asked.

"Errr, not really." Mr Wolff said.

"I'll see if I can get something sent up, don't be surprised if Alex isn't up for eating," His specialist said.

"Thank you very much," Abigail said appreciatively..

"Not a problem, I'm happy to help." He said with a smile.

It was about 20 minutes later when food was brought up. Not having to worry about whether Alex would live or not made the prospect of food a good idea.

Alex stirred a bit and Mr Wolff offered him some soup, and Alex lethargically allowed himself to be fed a couple spoonfuls.

"I love you Alex," He whispered softly.

"Love oo dad," Alex mumbled tiredly.


	5. Emotion Eratic

Mr Wolff was dozing by Alex's bed the next morning, it was his turn to sit by Alex's side, he's thought about it early as was a little depressed to think they already had a roster set up for this.

Alex slowly stirred around 8o'clock.

"Morning Alex," His dad said softly as he felt Alex squeeze his hand.

"Hey Daddy," Alex said tiredly.

"How you feeling?" His dad asked softly.

Alex shrugged.

"Breakfast should be coming shortly, are you hungry?" He asked softly.

"Why when it is close do we say shortly? We don't say tallly when it's far away?" Alex asked exhausted.

Mr Wolff chuckled.

"I have no idea,"

"Dad...?" Alex asked slowly.

"Yeah buddy,"

"Do you hate me for..." Alex lethargically began.

"No Alex, I don't hate you anything." Mr Wolff said softly, he tore at his heartstrings when ever Alex began a question with those words. "Nat, your mom, Juanita, John, Laura, they don't hate you for anything either."

"I hate me," Alex mumbled softly, trying to avoid his dads compassionate eyes.

"Alex, you can not blame yourself for any of this, and yes bud, I know you still do, but you shouldn't. You didn't chose this, you didn't want any of this to happen. You care about your friends and your family so much, and I know it makes you feel bad to see us worried about you. We love you Alex." Mr Wolff said tightly hugging Alex.

"It's... not fair," Alex cried into his dads shoulder.

"I know Alex, I know." Mr Wolff said holding Alex tight.

Nat and Abigail quietly entered a few minutes later, but Alex remained buried in his dads shoulder for another quarter of an hour.

"I'm sorry dad," Alex mumbled as he finally pulled himself out of his dads shoulder.

"No Alex, I'm sorry this happened to you." Mr Wolff said gently kissing Alex on his forehead. He then helped Alex lay back down, he still looked upset, but even more exhausted than before.

"Not going to school today Nat?" Mr Wolff asked warmly.

"I'll go for a couple of hours in the afternoon and drag Juanita back with me, but I just wanna keep Alex company, maybe tell him a couple of things about our trip." Nat said giving Alex his most comforting smile.

"Hey Mom, Hey Nat," Alex said trying to wipe the tears from his eyes.

"You don't need to hide you tears Alex, I had a good cry last night when I stubbed my toe going to the bathroom," Nat said softly.

"You're a dick," Alex said trying to sound fake mad, but he was to exhausted to sound anything other than exhausted.

Nat just smiled and gave his brother a hug, "I think I saw breakfast down the hall." he quietly whispered into Alex's ear.

"Nice breakfast?" Alex whispered back.

"Sorry Alex, hospital food." Nat said with a little chuckle.

"Can you smuggle me some real food?" Alex whispered.

"Like this cookie?" Nat said pulling a wrapped cookie out of his pocket.

"Uh-huh, thanks Nat." Alex said clutching the cookie before Nat could tease him with it.

Abigail and Mr Wolff both smiled watching Nat and Alex the bond between the two of them is something that could never be replaced. A lot of people would probably resent the amount of attention Alex needed, and aside from one incident in the early days, Nat didn't seem to let it bother him. He wanted to be there when ever he could for Alex. Then there was Alex, who did resent the amount of attention he needed, but most of them he did appreciate it.

Nat finally let Alex go, and Abigail come and gave Alex a kiss on the head.

"I'm gonna be here for a while huh mom?" Alex asked softly.

"A couple of weeks sweetie." Abigail said softly.

"Can my tutor come?" Alex asked quietly.

"Not for a while, you need to rest , your worried about falling behind again aren't you," Abigail said softly.

"Uh-huh, it's to hard already... I don't want it to be harderer." Alex mumbled.

"I know buddy, we are all here to help to you understand your school work if you need help," Abigail said softly. She knew though that Alex wasn't just finding it difficult to understand his school work, but finding it difficult because his classmates didn't really understand what was wrong with him for that matter.

"Thanks mom," Alex said softly.

It was a couple of minutes later when breakfast finally arrived, his mom helped him eat a bit, he wasn't terribly hungry, but it didn't taste as bad as he expected. When he'd eaten all he felt up to eating, he laid back and quietly dozed off.


	6. Understanding What's Wrong

Alex slowly stirred again a few hours later. Nat Abigail and his dad were quietly looking through a folder, when he awoke. It took a minute or two for Alex to settle into awakeness.

"What you looking at?" Alex asked jaded.

They all looked up and over at Alex.

"Your medical file. We thought it might help you out to try and explain to your class, what's wrong with you, and what your going through. Then hopefully they can understand, and you don't feel so isolated at school." Abigail said softly.

"What is wrong with me?" Alex asked softly.

A thought struck Mr Wolff, Alex was probably as clueless as to what was wrong with him as his class.

"You were comatose, during most the explanations huh Alex?" His dad said softly.

"What?" Alex asked confused, he was to tired to think whether he knew what 'comatose' meant or not.

"In a Coma, long sleep." His dad said softly.

"Oh... Can I see what's wrong with me?" Alex asked tiredly.

"Alex..." Abigail began softly.

"If my class gets to know, I wanna know." Alex protested unenthusiastically.

"Ok, we'll give it ago, but if it gets too much, we'll try again later, ok?" Abigail said moving her chair closer to Alex's bed.

"Thanks mom," Alex said quietly.

Abigail quietly placed the folder on Alex's lap and opened it up. She turned it a few pages to Vancouver.

"This was just after you got rescued in Vancouver." Abigail said softly, You were starved, you lost 15lbs, which is dangerous amount of weight for someone your age. You were disgustingly thin, dehydrated..."

"What's that mean?" Alex asked quietly,

"You weren't drinking the amount of water you need." Abigail said quietly.

"That's what this for huh?" Alex slurred gesturing to his IV.

"Yeah, it keeps your fluids up, and manages the pain," Abigail said quietly.

"Anyway Alex, you were missing most your teeth, you had a major concussion, broken ribs, your arm was broken and you were hypothermic." Abigail said softly, before looking down at Alex.

"It means your body was dangerously cold." Nat said softly, before Alex could ask.

She then turned the page, and they had a whole lot pictures taken when Alex was first admitted.'

Alex was quietly looking through the photos. Seeing what he looked like and taking in everything Juanita's aunt had done to him.

Alex was crying, and getting more upset as he continued to look at the photos.

"I think that's enough for today," Abigail said trying to take the folder away, but Alex grabbed it and tried to pull it back.

"No," Alex cried agitated.

"It's ok Alex, just take it easy," Mr Wolff said soothingly.

"NO! I don't want to be a scaredy cat wimp anymore," Alex shouted as loudly as he could.

"Bro, no one thinks your a scaredy cat wimp," Nat said softly.

"I do!" Alex spat upset.

"Alex, your too hard on yourself," Mr Wolff said sitting down beside Alex and trying to grab his hands. "You are far braver than any of us."

"Don't lie!" Alex shouted at his dad.

"We're not lying buddy, with what you've been through, I think we'd all be more scared than you are if we had been through" Nat said softly.

Alex looked up into Nat's eyes.

"You just saying that," He sobbed.

"No I'm not, I sort of wish I was. If I went through want you did I could only wish I was being as brave and doing as well as you are." Nat said quietly, looking deeply into Alex's teary brown eyes.

Alex let go of the folder and held his arms up, and Nat moved forward and tightly held his brother.

"Thanks Nat," Alex sobbed softly as he tightly clung to his brother.

"It's ok Alex, you know we are all here for you, and to make you better and let you know how awesome you are," Nat said giving Alex a gentle squeeze.

"You think I'm awesome?" Alex asked quietly.

"Better, I know your awesome." Nat said softly.

"I love you Nat," Alex said tiredly.

"I love you more Alex," Nat said with a small smile.

"Nah-uh. I love you more,"

"Nah I love you more "

"Nope I love you both more." Abigail said with a smile.

"Nope I do," Mr Wolff said softly.

"Nah-uh I love you all the mostest," Alex said softly looking up at his family.

"We know," Mr Wolff said with a smile.

Nat eventually stopped hugging Nat and lay down.

"Can you guys wake me for lunch?" Alex asked softly.

"You need to rest buddy, how about we make sure lunch is ready when you wake?" Mr Wolff said softly.

"Ok daddy," Alex said looking around.

"Sleep little brother," Nat teased good naturedly.

"I'll sleep you in a min..." Alex said drifting back to sleep.


	7. What Are Friends For

"Still going to school Nat?" Mr Wolff asked softly.

"Yeah, I better. I promised Alex I'd bring Juanita back, and I think the band would like to know exactly what happened," Nat said softly.

"Alright, I think Laura will bring you guys back here, so if you have everything," Mr Wolff said.

"Hold on, Mom can I sign your cast," Nat asked quietly.

Abigail just smiled and held out her arm. Nat grabbed a marker and wrote a note, looking extremely satisfied.

"Thanks mom," Nat said smiling before following his dad out.

Nat arrived at school just as Lunch began, bidding his dad goodbye he made his way to the cafeteria.

"Trust you to turn up just for Lunch," Thomas said spotting Nat.

"Might even stick around for last period if your lucky," Nat smiled.

Before he was engulfed in a hug from Rosalina.

"Yeah that was the welcome home I was expecting" Nat said as he hugged Rosalina back.

"So how's Alex doing?" Cooper said seriously.

"Coming and going, they had to remove part of his skull to relieve the pressure on his brain," Nat said.

"So it's not a myth then," David said softly.

"What?" Nat asked confused.

"Alex's brain," David laughed.

Nat laughed as well. "Just don't let Alex hear you say that, I don't think he'd take it to well."

"He's coping ok?" Qassim asked.

"He's pretty confused, he thought mom and dad had both died in a car accident, he didn't even remember I went to England." Nat said softly. "Simon thinks it might be Post Traumatic Stress causing Alex's brain to play tricks on him."

"Still having memory trouble?" Rosalina asked.

"Yeah, I hate saying some things to him, because it just flies over his head, and I can see it upsets him," Nat said softly.

"Can we see him? Rosalina asked.

"Probably not tonight, I think with Juanita and her family there's too many people already," Nat said softly.

"But if you guys want to come either tomorrow or Sunday, I think he'll appreciate it, you know how much he loves you guys," Nat said softly.

"So how was your trip?" Cooper asked curiously.

"It was great, did all the touristy things, Tower of London, London Eye, Stealing guards hats at Buckingham Palace, meeting the Queen." Nat said casually.

"Wait you meet the Queen," Rosalina said shocked.

"Yeah, you sort of get arrested for stealing the hats of the Palace guards. She came down when she heard who I was, ordered them to let me go and let me keep the hat." Nat said offhand, as though it was no big deal.

"What else happened, what was it like," Rosalina almost fangirling over the Queen.

"Absolutely terrifying, you know she's doing a Royal Tour here next week?" Nat said softly.

"Yeah, and what do you mean terrifying?" Cooper asked.

"She wants to knight Alex." Nat said softly.

"What!?" Thomas said shocked.

"I think she's trying to show Alex that the world is behind him, and all abused kids for that matter. With Alex's fame he has sort of become the poster boy of abused children," Nat said softly.

"Good luck trying to explain that to Alex without him blowing a fuse." Thomas said.

"You're telling me, he didn't want to any of this to happen, he doesn't want to be a poster boy for abused children he just wants to get better," Nat said softly, "Not to say that he doesn't care about them, he wants to visit them in hospital, because he knows how much he hates hospitals."

"I don't think anyone has gone through what Alex has, while been in the public eye the whole time. Unfortunately for Alex, everyone can see the effects. Most times you hear that it's happened, but you never see what happened or the after effects and Alex is a walking talking chronicle that everyone can see." Cooper said softly.

"So much weight on those little shoulders," Rosalina said sadly.

"I don't want to add to it, but as some stage I'd like to talk with you, Alex and your mom and dad," Cooper said looking at Nat. "I get so many calls and emails from people wanting to donate to Alex. I don't think Alex needs the money, but maybe we could set up a foundation in his name so the money can go to help other abuse victims,"

"I'll talk to mom and dad, but Alex wouldn't have to do anything would he?" Nat asked.

"Not until he's ready and or wants to, We use his name and his blessing to help people, Alex can just work at getting better if he wants." Cooper said softly.

"Does the thought of Sir Alex scare anyone else," Rosalina said softly referring to when Alex was in charge of the band.

"I just managed to forget that," Qassim said with a smile.

"Probably one of the things Alex's wishes he could remember," David said.

"Yeah, do you guys want to come around one day and we can try get all the footage we can, documentary private and make Alex one long ass movie of his life, maybe that will trigger things for him." Nat said softly.

"Did you really need to ask?" Thomas said speaking for the band.

Back at the hospital Alex stirred again.

"Hungry sweetie?" Abigail asked as she saw him slowly open his eyes.

"Uh-huh," Alex said softly as slowly looked at his mom. "What's on your cast?"

"Oh this," Abigial said with a smile, and showed Alex the message Nat had wrote.

"_Haha Alex, I wrote on mom's cast first, don't forget I love you, and you too mom."_

Abigail looked at Alex face and despite how lethargic he was she could see he was smiling.

"I've got the bestest brother huh mom." Alex said softly.

"I think Nat might have the bestest brother," Abigail said warmly.

"Nah uh Nat's the bestest, just don't tell him that," Alex said smiling. "Where is Nat?"

"He went to school for a couple of hours, remember, let the band know how your doing, bring back some Juanita girl," Abigail said softly.

"I like Juanita girls," Alex mumbled without thinking.

Abigail just smiled.

"Love you Alex." She said kissing him on the forehead.

"Love you to mom,"

"I've got some yogurt if you'd like it Alex." Abigail said softly.

"And when you finished I picked up a nice quiche for you." His dad said walking in carrying a bag with a small quiche.

"It smells nice," Alex said drooling a little.

"Are we going to have to get you a bib," Abigial joked as she grabbed a tissue and wiped of his face.

Alex just lethargically giggled.

He tried to reach up and grab a spoon but his arms weighed a ton.

"It's ok Alex, I can feed you," Abigail smiled.

"Can I get a foot massage too?" Alex smirked.

"Really Alex," Abigail chuckled, she knew he hated being so dependent on other people, it was a bit of surprise to hear him joke about it now, but she guessed he was starting to accept his reality.

Alex just smiled, before he was feed the yogurt and half of the quiche before he full.

"Thanks mom, Thanks dad," Alex said softly, feeling like he wanted to sleep.

"Why am I always tired?" Alex asked softly.

"It's just the drugs to doctor gave you. They want you to get a lot of rest which will help you get better." Mr Wolff said softly.

"When's Nat coming back?" Alex asked.

"Still have a couple of hours, if you go to sleep, I promise we'll wake you when he gets here." Abigail said softly

"Ok Mom," Alex said reaching for her hand and squeezing it before drifting back to sleep.


	8. Get Well Soon

"How are you feeling today?" Alex specialist asked softly, when Alex begin to stir.

Alex slowly looked up at him.

"Ok I guess?" Alex answered tiredly.

"You've been out of it each time I've come in," Alex's specialist softly.

"Tired..." Alex mumbled softly.

"I'm not surprised, the sedatives are helping you get the rest you need." His specialist said softly. "How is your head feeling?"

"Feels heavy and thinking is hard," Alex mumbled.

"Just the sedatives, is there any pain?" He asked softly.

"Uh-uh," Alex mumbled.

"Ok? Have you been eating?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, dad got me quiche and it was nice." Alex said looking around and seeing his dad before smiling at him.

"Good, we'll probably get you in a couple of hours to see how things are going, and probably another one tomorrow, ok?" His specialist said softly.

"Do you have a picture of my brain?" Alex asked softly.

"Nope, would you like me to take one for you before we reattach your skull." Alex specialist said softly.

"Yeah, Wanna see what it looks likes." Alex said softly.

/"You would huh," Abigail said softly.

"Uh huh," Alex said lethargically smiling at Abigail.

"Hey Alex," Nat said enthusiastically.

"Nat, did you bring Juanita," Alex asked happily.

"Of course I did," Nat said happily.

"I'll be back in a couple of hours Alex," His specialist said quietly getting out of the way so Alex could spend time with Nat and Juanita.

"Hey Alex," Juanita said softly as she made her way through the door.

"Hey Juanita," Alex said quietly. "School good?"

"Not bad, I have something for you," Juanita said softly, looking through a plastic bag. She then pulled out a stuffed Polar Bear. "The class helped chip in for this,"

She then gently passed it to Alex, "We also got this for you," she said pulling out a large get well card and passed it to Alex as well.

"Thanks" Alex said quietly hugging the bear, before trying to read the card. He was too tired to understand what was in the card.

"Can you read it to me?" Alex asked softly.

Nat looked at his brother quietly and sat down beside him.

"Too tired to read huh?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, pictures I can see, but words are just squiggles." Alex mumbled.

Juanita grabbed another chair and sat on Alex's other side.

"I can read it to you," Juanita said softly and opening the card began looking through the messages. She looked at Nat quizzically for a few seconds.

"This one says, 'hahaha Alex I signed your card too, Nat" Juanita said softly.

Alex fumbled for Nat's hand, Nat gave it to him and squeezed it tightly giving Alex a smile.

"When did you sign this?" Juanita asked Nat.

"When you were at build-a-bear making Alex bear," Nat said with a cheeky smile.

"You made the bear?" Alex asked softly.

"Yeah, I made it with love," Juanita smiled softly at Alex.

"Mr Johnston, missed you, see," Juanita said pointing to a message from his teacher, "Alex I hope you get well soon, and yes you still have to do your homework,"

Alex smiled a little. "I don't got homework," Alex mumbled.

Juanita smiled.

"He's winding you up, he wants you to get better, I think he is a soft spot for you," Nat said softly.

Abigail, Mr Wolff and Laura watched Nat and Juanita.

"The two of them, really do a great job of getting through to Alex," Abigail said softly, as Juanita and Nat both read through all the messages in Alex's card.

"I don't think I could be more proud of Nat, everything he does for Alex," Mr Wolff said.

"Same goes for Juanita, but I know she still feels responsible, she's stubborn like Alex in that regard. She still feels guilty for lying to Alex in her letters. I think she realizes now that Alex would have moved heaven and earth to rescue her if he knew what was happening,"

"I think that's sort of what it's like for Nat, he feels bad that he couldn't protect Alex, and for what he did when Alex got home and what Juanita's aunt made him do. I also think he feels he let his mom down. Some nights if he's really upset, I'm pretty sure he sneaks out to go an sit by his mothers grave." Mr Wolff said looking into Nat's eyes, even from this distance he could see the sadness in Nat's eyes.

"So Alex, The band is going to try and come over tomorrow, if that's alright with you." Nat said softly.

"They don't come 'round much anymore," Alex mumbled softly.

"Not as much as they used to, but that's because they know you need space and not get crowded, they still love you and care for you and they've missed you," Nat said quietly.

"I miss them too," Alex mumbled softly.

"I know," Nat said softly kissing Alex on the forehead.

"Hey Laura," Alex said looking up and seeing her.

"Hello Alex, Nat and Juanita treating you good?" She asked warmly.

She was surprised to see him shake his head.

"They didn't get me a cookie," Alex mumbled with a little smile. Laura just chuckled and gave Alex a warm smile.

It was half an hour later when Alex's specialist and a nurse returned, they quickly checked Alex over, before they began to wheel him for a CAT and an MRI.


	9. Depression, Anger, Guilt

**A/N Sorry for the long gap between updates, been busy.**

**Be Warned this chapter contains coarse language and mature themes.**

"Well your scans look pretty promising," Alex's specialist said to him a couple of hours latter, while his dad helped him eat a bit of dinner.

No one was really surprised, Alex looked completely exhausted, he'd forced himself to stay awake until dinner, as he'd been drifting in and out all day. It was the longest he'd been awake since he had the operation.

"How promising?" Abigail asked quietly.

"The swelling is going down, we'll have another scan tomorrow and if those results are good, we maybe to get him in for surgery either late tomorrow if he's really lucky or some stage Sunday." His specialist said softly.

"I hope it goes well, I don't think Alex want's to spend a second longer in hospital than he absolutely needs," Mr Wolff said, giving Alex's hand a quick squeeze as he did.

"Well I think he's got a guardian angel looking out for him. I saw one of the firefighters on the news in the doctors lounge, who couldn't understand how the crash didn't kill him, it should have killed him," His specialist said softly, Alot of things had to have gone wrong for them to go right.

"It was mom," Alex mumbled weakly, everyone was a little surprised that Alex had manged to keep track of the conversation, he almost looked asleep already.

"You think?" Nat questioned curiously. Both he and his dad understood that Alex wasn't talking about Abigail.

"Uh-huh," Alex mumbled tiredly.

"She must really be looking out for you, if you had of been conscious when you crashed I think you would have died, if you hadn't have crashed you would have died, Had I not spilled my coffee of your original scans I would have missed the clot... perhaps you should buy a lottery ticket Alex," His specialist said quietly.

"Why?" Alex mumbled confused.

"I think he's trying to say you've had a lot of ridiculously good luck the last couple of days. " Juanita said softly. She could she instantly Alex didn't like that answer.

"If I was lucky my back would be fixed, I would be able to remember the good things and forget the bad," Alex shouted at them.

"I know Alex, I know." Mr Wolff said softly.

"No you don't, you don't know." Alex shook as tears began streaming out of his eyes. Alex threw of his dad, as he tried to hug him, and just cried himself to sleep.

Nat starred at his brother, a dark heavy cloud pulled his heartstrings to the point he hoped they'd break, at the same time a fire burned through his gut. He ran out of the room, before he or anyone else had realized what happened.

"Nat! Come back!" Abigail called out concerned as she chased him out of the room.

Nat was on autopilot, he was being controlled by emotion now, which wouldn't have been so much of a problem if it was just one. He tore down the corridor thankfully it was mostly empty. He headed for the stairs and almost jumped down them a floor at a time. When he finally made it outside he didn't know what he should do, the dark black cloud was now clawing ferociously at his mind.

He picked up a rubbish bin and threw it viciously at a window, causing the glass to shatter.

"Nat!" Abigail called out desperately.

Nat ignored her, as he kicked the rest of the glass out of the window, cutting his leg in the process.

"Nat calm down," Abigail said slowly moving closer to him.

Nat glared around at his mom, Hospital security just behind her.

"I Hate This!" Nat shouted, before grabbing the bin again and launching it at Abigail, he didn't specifically want to her. He wanted to hurt anyone, he wanted to hurt himself, he felt if he didn't he would explode, someone had to feel what he was going through.

Abigail managed to dodge the flying bin, when Alex was in his moods you learned very quickly to dodge flying objects.

"Nat calm down," Abigail said softly, she knew what he was feeling, she had gone through it when she had lost her daughter, but it only happened once. Nat seemed to have that wound being painfully reopened every couple of months.

"I Hate This," Nat said putting his foot through yet another window. "I am sick to death of all this."

"I Know Nat," Abigail said calmly.

"What Do You Know!?" Nat shouted at her, Abigail just took it calmly, Nat needed to get this out. "That people can abuse the fuck out Alex, and then act as though they have done nothing wrong. That I'm sick to death of only seeing Alex at home or at hospital, I hate Hospitals!"

Nat looked desperately around for something he could destroy, in the end he just grabbed his phone out of his pocket and obliterated it on the pavement.

"I hate everyone else being able to walk around with out a care in the world, it's not fucken fair!" Nat shouted picking up a shard of glass of the ground.

"Nat put that down," Abigail said trying to remain calm, but was now getting pretty worried. "We are all here for you, and I know you are a good person, I know as angry and frustrated you are, you couldn't leave your brother."

"HE'S NOT MY BROTHER!" Nat exploded "HE'S A SHELL! MY BROTHER IS CRAZY AND HAPPY GO LUCKY AND WILD AND LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS."

Abigail could see the tears streaming out of Nat's eyes, and was pretty sure everyone with ten blocks could here his pain.

"Nat,"Abigail said carefully.

"AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE MOST OF ALL? THE GUILT! I HATE KNOWING HE'S A MISERABLE CRIPPLED SHELL AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT," Nat shouted, wanting to pull the glass across his wrist, but he couldn't do it. He obliterated it too on the pavement before sinking to the ground.

Abigail was quickly on him holding him tightly,

"It's not your fault Nat, It's not your fault," She whispered to him over and over again, as he cried into her shoulder.

It was nearly an hour later Abigail managed to coax Nat into the ER the security guards keeping right on him.

"Nat? Are you calm?" Abigail asked softly. Alex specialist was waiting there for Nat, he could see already he'd need to stitch up his leg.

"Yeah," Nat managed to choke out.

"Ok hon, the doctors going to check your leg out, and then they going to need to hold you here for a 72 psychiatric assessment," Abigail said softly.

Nat felt to emotionally drained to really feel anything.

"Why?" Nat asked softly.

"Because the law says if you try to kill yourself they have to," Abigail said softly.

Nat then started to cry.

"I don't want to," Nat cried suddenly feeling afraid.

"I know Nat," Abigail said softly.

"Please don't let the band or Alex find out," Nat cried to afraid and embarrassed. He feared being judged by them,

"I won't Nat, not unless you change your mind." Abigail said softly kissing him on his forehead,


	10. Two Peas in a Pod

**A/N: Probably my last update before Christmas, I hope to get more a couple more updates done before the New Year. If not... Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,**

When Nat awoke his leg felt numb, he slowly looked down and realized he wasn't wearing pants, he then immediately noticed the 40 stitches up his leg. He looked around and noticed he was in the hospital.

"Morning Nat," His dad said quietly.

"Hey dad," Nat said softly as remembered last night.

"Do you..." Nat began heavily trying to work out what to say.

"Nat I don't think any less of you whatsoever," Mr Wolff said softly.

"What about Alex is he mad at me?" Nat asked.

"We haven't told him what happened like you ask, though you do know Alex is probably the one person who knows exactly what you were feeling last night." Mr Wolff said softly.

"What do you mean?" Nat asked quietly.

"Nat you and Alex are two peas in a pod. It's a little scary how alike you to are. First off you both bottle it up, you both care about each other more than anything, you both feel guilty for everything that has happened." Mr Wolff said softly. "Remember when Alex won the brother of the year thing for you, and he was yelling and screaming about how miserable he was, and how he wanted to die, but cared to much... Something tells me that's exactly what stopped you last night."

Nat looked up at his dad, "He'll blame himself," Nat said quietly.

"And then you'll blame yourself, and Alex will blame himself more. Neither of you has quite worked out, that sometimes things are beyond you're control and are not either yours or Alex's faults." Mr Wolff said softly.

"Thanks dad," Nat said softly sitting up and hugging his dad.

"It's ok Nat, you can talk to me any time about how your feeling, you know your mother and I will always be here for you." Mr Wolff whispered to Nat gently.

"But Alex always seems to need so much attention..." Nat said.

"We will always make the time, we love you Nat," Mr Wolff said softly.

"Love you too dad," Nat cried as he and his dad continued to hug.

"I know Nat, Now I think they have Dr Stein coming in to talk to you to start of with, and then if you want we can go see Alex," Mr Wolff said softly.

"I don't want to, everyone will stare at me," Nat said, he knew people would look at him, and judge him, that they would somehow be able to know what he was feeling and thinking and know he was crazy.

"No they won't, this insecurity is natural, and either me or Abigail will be here every step of the way." Mr Wolff said to reassure Nat.

It was a few hours later, when Nat and Mr Wolff entered Alex's room, Nat being pushed in a wheelchair to keep the weight of his leg.

"What happened to your leg?" Alex asked tiredly as he looked at Nat and could see all the stitches in his legs.

"Cut it on some glass," Nat said nervously.

Mr Wolff wheeled Nat closer to Alex.

"How?" Alex asked quietly.

"Kicked a window" Nat said quietly hoping Alex wouldn't here him.

Alex immediately grabbed Nats hand.

"Cause you felt angry, and depressed and you wanted to break things?" Alex asked softly.

"Uh-huh," Nat said even quieter.

"And you want to hit people and smash your head against things to try and make it stop?" Alex asked again.

"Uh-huh" Nat said yet even quieter still.

"And then you want to kill yourself, because nothing works, everything sucks and it's never going to get better... and you try to, but you can't and it upsets you even more," Alex said.

Nat looked up into Alex's and they both just looked deeply into each others eyes not saying another word, but they both seemed to understand.

It was ten minutes before Nat finally spoke.

"How do you know what I was feeling?" Nat asked softly.

"Because I feel it lots, it hurts your heart and breathing hurts, and your gut his burning on fire and it attacks your brain and everything is black and angry and you don't care any more, you going to expolode, so you have to break things and hit people to try and stop it," Alex said getting wound up about, tears silently streaming down his checks.

"It's ok Alex calm down," Abigail said sitting on his other side grabbing his hand and squeezing it.

"You don't think I'm being stupid?" Nat asked Alex quietly, he was so scared he felt like he was going to be sick, but his dad and Dr Stein both impressed on him that he could trust Alex.

"Not unless you think I'm being stupid," Alex mumbled quietly.

Nat couldn't help but grimace a little, and Alex grimaced a little back at him.

"Did you want to try and kill yourself to be like me?" Alex asked softly.

"I didn't want to or I don't want to?" Nat said getting confused. "I feel so guilty, knowing that you can't walk and how much your back hurts is my fault."

"Nat," Abigail said quietly as Alex began fiddling with his blanket in a desperate attempt to avoid having to watch his brother hit him and hit him and hit him and hit him with a baseball bat.

"I wanted to break my back..." Nat mumbled.

"STOP IT!" Alex shouted at him, he wasn't angry at Nat, but words could not describe how much Alex did not want to remember.

Nat looked up at Alex, he could see the desperation and the fear as Alex's eyes shimmered before the tears started cascading down his checks.

"I'm sorry Alex," Nat said softly, before hugging Alex tightly. He could feel his brothers arms reach behind his neck.

"Please don't make me remember that Nat," Alex cried softly.

"I won't Alex, I'm sorry." Nat whispered.

It was five minutes later before Nat and Alex stopped hugging, with Nat in a wheelchair and Alex on the bed, it was the most uncomfortable hug they ever had, but they both needed.

"We're pretty screwed up huh," Alex said looking around the room.

"With what you and Nat have been through you'd have to be pretty screwed up not to be pretty screwed up right now. But that's ok, because we are here to unscrew you up." Mr Wolff said softly.

"Wouldn't that be screwing us down," Alex asked confused.

"I would say get hammered, but you boys are too young to drink," Abigail chuckled, Nat smiled a little and Alex just scowled at her.

I hate alc... alc... aclo... aclo... alcohol," Alex stammered.

"We know, Alex, one day we will have a good talk about it alright?" His dad said quietly. Alex hated the smell more than anything, it scared him, it reminded him of Juanita's aunt. He remembered after sharing a bottle of wine over dinner with John and Laura how Alex wouldn't come close to any of them.

"The bands still coming today right?" Alex asked before yawning.

"Yeah, they'll come this afternoon so you can sleep" Abigail said softly, "And yes Alex they are smuggling you in non hospital food."

"Alex please don't tell the band about this." Nat suddenly pleaded desperately.

"They'll understand... they understand me... I think." Alex mumbled tiredly.

"Please Alex, I'm scared," Nat pleaded.

"It's scary huh,?" Alex asked.

"Really Alex? Did you really just say being scared is scary," Abigail said with a chuckle.

"Uh-huh," Alex said with a tired grimace, before looking at Nat. "Ok, Nat,"

"Love you Alex," Nat said still scared but also relieved.

"Love you too Nat," Alex said giving Nat's hand a final squeeze before he let himself fall asleep.


	11. I Feel Alone

"_Sometimes we laugh  
To keep from crying  
Sometimes we smile  
To keep from frowning  
Sometimes we hate  
To keep from loving  
Sometimes we hide  
So we can be found  
You don't know and I don't care  
What is right and what is fair  
That won't get you anywhere  
And I find it so real_

_I feel alone  
Walking Down the street  
I feel alone  
With the people I meet  
I feel alone  
With all my friends  
I feel alone  
Till the end  
I feel alone_

_Sometimes we lie  
to keep from feeling  
sometimes we hurt  
to keep from healing  
sometimes we walk  
to keep from sitting  
sometimes we dance  
to keep from sleeping  
And I've done some feelings wrong  
singularity is my home  
loneliness is my friend who's home and i find it so real_

_I feel alone  
Walking Down the street  
I feel alone  
With the people I meet  
I feel alone  
With all my friends  
I feel alone  
Till the end_

_And i sit all alone  
lookin out at the gray night sky  
theres No one to hear  
But a car driving by  
I look at the children  
The good are so hard to find  
I sit in my room  
And i play my piano_

_I feel alone  
Walking Down the street  
I feel alone  
With the people I meet  
I feel alone  
With all my friends  
I feel alone  
Till the end  
i feel alone"_

Nat finished singing, while his dad and Dr Stein looked on. They had taken to St Corstiphines for the afternoon, and put him in the room with all the musical instruments and told him to right a song about how he feels. They figured like with Alex, it's probably easier for him to express himself through music.

"Nat, I think we should record that song," Mr Wolff said softly.

Nat looked up at his dad and Dr Stein.

"It's not the good," Nat said softly.

"Nat, it's incredible, it's from your heart." Mr Wolff said quietly.

"You want Alex to hear it don't you?" Nat asked.

Mr Wolff smiled a litle.

"Nat when you sung that song, I couldn't help but think, Alex probably would have written it exactly the same. I think Alex would love to hear it, you've said what you he feels, because you both feel the same." Mr Wolff said softly.

"You really think me and Alex are that alike? Nat asked.

"You two are very close to each other, you have such a bond between the two of you. You have been through so much and I think it has made you even closer. I'm not surprised that you would think the same or even feel the same," Mr Wolff said softly.

"I guess... Alex says he always feels safe around me." Nat said softly.

"Alex certainly has a very tight bond with you, I wouldn't be overly surprised that if you died, that Alex could be on the moon and he would know instantly. He seems to know how to find you," Mr Wolff said softly.

"He' knows I don't blame him for this right?" Nat said softly.

"He knows, doesn't mean he's not going to feel bad, he loves you Nat," Mr Wolff said giving Nat a hug.

"Thanks dad, can you help me record the song?" Nat asked softly.

"Yes I can,"

When Alex awoke, his hand was immediately squeezed by his mom, and he gave it a lethargic squeeze back.

"Hey Alex, you've got company," Abigail said quietly.

Alex slowly opened his eyes and saw the band looking at him.

"Hey guys," Alex yawned waking up.

"Hey Alex," Rosalina said warmly, "How are you doing?"

"Doctors cut open my head... and I always tired," Alex mumbled.

"We smuggled you in some real food, Nat said you would like it." Rosalina said pulling out a couple of cookies, and pieces of cake.

"Thanks Rosalina," Alex said softly.

Alex was pretty quiet most of the time, when he did he usually tried to avoid saying peoples names, even when he did Rosalina picked up a tone of uncertainty in his voice.

"Alex honey?" Rosalina said softly.

"Yeah?" Alex said softly.

"Are you having trouble remembering everyone's names?" She whispered to try draw as little attention to it as she could.

Alex didn't say anything and quietly began fiddling with his sheet, trying to avoid Rosalina and having to answer the question.

"Alex is ok if you are, we know that you don't want to," Rosalina said softly.

"I remember everyone's names," Alex mumbled quietly.

"Just not who it belongs to?" Rosalina asked.

"Uh-huh," Alex mumbled quietly as he began to cry.

Rosalina just put an arm around him.

"Alex, we know it upsets you, and we are going to get together with Nat, so we can try make a video or two for you, to try and help you remember." She said softly.

"What if it doesn't work?" Alex sobbed.

"We'll keep trying Alex, We're your friends we're not going to stop until you remember." Cooper said quietly.

Alex just nodded as Rosalina continued to hug him, and after a while they did manage to convince him, and he slowly began talking again. Alex appreciated it, even if there wasn't a lot they could actually talk about.


	12. Fate

**A/N: Happy New Years to All, Sorry for the wait, hope you enjoy.**

"How's Nat doing?" Abigail asked softly as Mr Wolff entered the room, Alex was asleep, he couldn't help but notice how peaceful Alex looked at that moment.

"He's doing as good as one could hope, Dr Stein has been helping him a lot. She's got him sleeping in the room Alex was in, she thought it might make him feel a bit more at ease." Mr Wolff said

"What did she do with him?"

"She understands those boys, she had him write a song about how he feels, and I thought it he should record, let Alex here it. I think it would help Alex express how he feels." Mr Wolff said softly. "How did Alex go with the band?"

"He was pretty quiet, He looked very isolated, He's comfortable around Rosalina, I guess with her coming around a bit, but I think he was real struggling trying to remember the band, I think he was having a hard time trying to remember who was who," Abigail said softly.

Mr Wolff sighed sadly as he looked down at Alex, bandages wrapped tightly around his bald head... they had to shave his hair off before they operated on him, IV in his arm, a couple of cuts from the accident, and he just seemed to look so frail, though Mr Wolff knew there was strength within.

"I really wish he would talk to us about this," Abigail said softly, as Mr Wolff slowly sat down and put his arm around her.

"Alex keeps so much bottled up in there, I guess thinking about it he always has. There is so much I don't know about what Alex has been through, what goes through his mind, what he feels, because Alex doesn't like to talk about it. He is very slow to open up and as frustrating as it is, most the time all you can do is wait. You push to hard and he shuts down... I never would have picked Alex would become the strong silent type." Mr Wolff said softly, watching Alex's chest rise and fall with each breath.

"Or so withdrawn, the documentary made him seem so outgoing, so full on. I guess he has so much he's going through there just isn't time, or place, or even energy for that now." Abigail said softly. "I understand where Nat is coming from when he said that's not his brother, he's just shell."

Mr Wolff just sighed heavily.

"It's one of the toughest things, a year ago he would have been running out, getting up to mischief with Juanita, going out skating, practicing with the band... performing in front of thousands of screaming fans. Now... Now it's like none of that happened, if you take the press out of it. He goes school, he comes home and sleeps in his egg chair, watches a bit of TV before finally going to bed." Mr Wolff quietly spoke.

"Even when he's in bed he hardly sleeps, lately it has seemed like the only sleep he gets is his after school nap," Abigail added softly.

"I just wish there was something I could do, I mean I'm there for him and he does talk a little about things, but I just wish there was something I could do to make things better... I feel so helpless." Mr Wolff said softly.

"We all do, Alex doesn't want the help, he needs it, but I think he feels if he accepts it then everything that has happened will be for real. He made a joke today, I don't know if he's starting to accept things, or if he just realized that the sedatives made him to weak to do things by himself." Abigail said softly.

"I know, I just feel so lousy. I feel like I can't protect the boys when they need protecting." Mr Wolff said quietly, as he reached out for Alex's hand cradling it within his own before whispering "I'm sorry Alex."

"Sonny, you can't protect the boys from everything, every good parent wants to, but at the end of the day we all know that we can't. Alex is and was a very independent and strong willed boy. He was going to visit Juanita, and nothing was going to stop him from doing that. We can all say "What if" or "but", you can't change the past, you can't see the future. Nat could get eaten by a shark tomorrow, we just don't know, we can only take things as they come, and sometimes things go well other times they don't." Abigail said and tenderly kissed Mr Wolff on the forehead.

"... Have to be a walking shark," Alex mumbled tiredly causing both Abigail and Mr Wolff to jump a little.

Abigail just smiled softly.

"We didn't wake you did we?" Mr Wolff asked quietly giving Alex's hand a gently squeeze.

Alex lethargically shook his head.

"You know I don't blame you, right dad?" Alex asked softly.

"I know Alex, but you used to talk about, waiting for someone to save you. You don't know how desperately I wanted to be that guy," Mr Wolff said softly as tears rolled down his checks.

"Dad, you save me lots, when I get angry and upset and... and... and stuff, you save me from me." Alex mumbled quietly,

"It doesn't seem that way to me, you never seem to talk about it and I worry that you never will," Mr Wolff said softly, as he watched Alex really struggle to try and sit up, before he helped him.

Alex just put his arms around his dad.

"It does to me..." Alex mumbled sounding so small and overwhelmed. It was another minute before he spoke again. "Talking's hard... everything I have to talk about I know is going to make me upset, and angry and scared, and I feel like no one is going to understand,"

Mr Wolff gave Alex a reassuring squeeze.

"We'll understand Alex, maybe not entirely, but we will understand, and I understand talking is hard, and don't take this the wrong way, but keeping it bottled up, you get upset and angry any way. Just try give talking a go, you might get upset, but you might feel like you have got a load of your chest ok?"

"Ok dad," Alex mumbled softly.

Mr Wolff continued to hug Alex until he feel asleep, before gently laying him back on his bed and kissing him in the forehead.

"See you in the morning buddy," He whispered quietly before seeing Abigail off and sitting in the recliner and drifting to sleep.

Mr Wolff was awoken at 8am, for a few seconds he wasn't sure what by, but when he finally got a glimpse of Alex, he knew instantly Alex had a bad dream. He wasn't crying, which was a little surprising, but he could read on Alex's face how upset he was, and he knew it wouldn't take much to start him crying.

"Alex, you ok?" He asked standing up and walking over to Alex.

Alex looked up at his dad, and seemed to fight it for a half a minute before he started crying. Mr Wolff crouched down, and gently hugged Alex.

"Bad dream?" Mr Wolff asked quietly as he helped Alex sit up a bit and soothingly rubbed his back.

"Uh-huh" Alex finally managed to choke out after a couple of minutes, slowly calming down, his dad rubbing his back helped abit.

"Take your time," Mr Wolff said softly, he didn't want to rush Alex into it.

"I... I... I..." Alex stammered after another couple of minutes.

"It's ok slow it down," Mr Wolff said softly.

Alex gulped down the sobs.

"I dreamed that... that a man was gonna shoot you and Nat and Mom and Juanita unless I remember stuff... and I couldn't remember it and he was going to shoot you," Alex stammered out very quickly, before crying again.

Mr Wolff continued to rub Alex's back and hold him tightly until he calmed down again.

"Alex I know that not remembering bugs you, and I know you find it difficult to talk about things, but when you think your ready, I'm here ok?" Mr Wolff said softly when Alex finally calmed down enough.

"Thanks dad," Alex mumbled softly.

"It's ok Alex... just saving you from yourself," Mr Wolff said quietly.

Alex hugged his dad tighter.

"Thanks dad." 


	13. I Feel Alone Too

Alex had been pretty down and upset through the morning, he didn't say anything, and fought to keep to awake. It's not like lately he'd been upbeat and happy, but even compared to "normal" days, it was a difficult day for him. Mr Wolff just spent the morning with his arm around him, neither of them really said much. He'd tried to convince Alex to get some rest, but Alex refused.

Mr Wolff sometimes he wished he had the determination of Alex. Despite the heavy sedatives he was managing to keep himself awake on will power alone, or like at the airport in Vancouver, when Alex had thrown himself out of his wheelchair and would have dragged himself back to into the city because he needed to perform there, or when Alex was two and Jessie was looking after him, she turned her back for 5 minutes and he was gone, he spent the next 12 hours walking home just because he missed his dad. In some regards, it didn't surprise him, that Alex had survived what Juanita's aunt had done to him, while he was sure on one level that he wanted to die, he was also sure on another that Alex would never let himself lose like that. Alex managed to accomplish some major feats through sheer determination alone. Of course that meant people hated to argue with him, because he was determined that he was right, even if he was wrong, he was stubborn like that.

"Alex?" Mr Wolff asked softly.

"Yeah dad?"

"Can you tell me, why you aren't talking to Simon?" Mr Wolff asked softly.

Alex just glared at his dad angrily, and his dad knew to back off.

"Ok Alex... when your ready," He said softly.

After they had gotten back from New Orleans, Alex refused to speak to Simon, he'd ring the home phone, Alex would hang up on him, he'd ring Alex's cellphone and Alex shatter it on the pavement, he would turn up at the apartment and Alex would slam the door in his face, he finally stopped trying to talk to Alex when Alex had tried to push him down a flight of stairs.

They all knew Alex was angry Simon, that much was obvious, and they knew you didn't want to be in Alex's bad books, but none of them knew what Alex was angry about, it was another of the elephants in the room they had to tip toe around, and any room Alex was in, unfortunately had a lot of elephants.

Quarter of an hour later, Mr Wolff felt Alex instantly perk up a bit, and three minutes later, Nat and Abigail entered the room.

"Hey mom, Hey Nat," Alex mumbled tiredly.

"Hey sweetie," Abigail said coming over and giving him a kiss on the forehead.

"Hey Alex," Nat said nervously, a new phone in his hand.

Alex lethargically looked over at Nat, he could see how nervous and scared he was, and it wasn't something he often saw in his brother.

"You ok?" Alex mumbled.

"Huh... yeah... no... maybe." Nat stammered out.

Abigail just put her hand on his shoulder.

"It'll be ok Nat," She said softly to reassure him.

"I wrote a song, and dad said I should record it..." Nat trailed off.

"About what?" Alex asked.

"... how I feel." Nat said almost as quiet as mouse.

"huh?" Alex asked softly, Nat was too quiet and he was too tired to listen properly.

"About how I feel." Nat said a little louder, "Dad thought you should listen to it cause it's probably how you feel too.

Alex didn't know what to say, he didn't know if he wanted to know how other people thought he felt, or hear those feelings if they were right, so he kept quiet.

With shaking hands, he jittered through his phone to play the song, he didn't think he'd ever been as nervous for someone to hear one of his songs as he was right now, not even Rosalina with the song named after her, and inspired by her.

Nat didn't speak as he pushed the play button, before shrinking back in his wheelchair as he fearfully watched Alex listen to "I Feel Alone,"

No one spoke for ages after the song finished, and this frightened Nat more. Alex found it difficult to speak, lately he found even the most everyday conversation was difficult.

"I feel alone too," Alex finally mumbled after ten minutes, to Nat he felt like he had aged 60 years.

"I know Alex," Abigail said softly, and she gave Nat's shoulder a little "I told you so," squeeze.

"No you don't," Alex grunted at her.

"Yes I do... Alex I see you all the time, and you do, you look alone." Abigail said softly, and she could tell Alex was getting upset.

"No you don't!" Alex shouted her, "You don't! You, Nat, Dad, Juanita, Laura, John, Rosalina, The Band... You all mean the world to me! And I don't remember a thing about you! I don't know what you like, what you do for fun, how we meet, I don't remember anything before this stupid thing HAPPENED! You mean everything, I know you do, my heart tells me I love you more than anything... and I hardly know who you are..."

Alex trailed off, into quietly sobs, Nat's song was right on the mark, but even it couldn't explain how Alex felt, to be surrounded by everyone important, but being so isolated because his memory failed him.

Nat put his hand on Alex's shoulder.

"Alex, we're your family, and we'll do everything we can to help you remember what you can't. I can't imagine how alone this must make you feel... I'd forget everything it I thought it'd help you, so you don't feel lonely. But remember I feel alone as well... and I don't want you to feel alone around us," Nat said quietly, trying not to cry. It wasn't Alex's fault, but to hear the brother you've known since he was born say he hardly knows who you are is an upsetting thing to hear.

"I want to remember Nat," Alex sobbed quietly.

"I know Alex, I want you to remember too... and you will, you'll remember like you've never remembered before." Nat said looking deeply into Alex's eyes. It made him feel a bit better knowing Abigail, Dr Stein and his dad were right... but still he hated to see Alex upset.

"What does that even mean?" Alex cried frustrated.

"I don't know, but it sounded good," Nat said softly giving Alex a little smile.

Alex just grabbed Nat's hand and held it until he stopped crying.

"Nat?" Alex asked quietly.

"Can I record your song with you?" Alex asked quietly.

"It means that much to you?" Nat asked feeling better.

"Uh-huh... it's... it's... it's how I feel." Alex mumbled softly.

"I'm glad I could help you express how you feel," Nat said softly.

"I'm sorry, you feel the same way," Alex said quietly, looking sadly at Nat.

"Thanks Alex, and you know it's not your fault right." Nat said softly.

Alex just shrugged his shoulders.

"It's not your fault Alex... none of this is your fault." Nat said firmly.

Alex sighed heavily, before looking deeply into Nat's eyes.

"It's not your fault either."


End file.
